Activity Stream

Activity Stream

  1. CharityS added a post in a topic Just a bit of venting....   

    @Sadgirl  Oh hom i have felt this so many times!!! Like there is a clock ticking and im just getting saggier and starting to get a few grays here and there under my highlights...somedays feels like if i stay here will i lose the opportunity to meet someone else! I do want so badly a reconciled marriage but then think what if i put all this time into it and him and he just hurts me again!  I think it’s completely natural for feelings like this to come up! Im sorry as well to feel that way about yourself and with your husband and pray God opens your eyes and his to your true inner and outer beauty! Love and prayers!
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  2. Startingoveragain added a topic in Introduce Yourself   

    I don't know where to start
    I am 63, married 40 years, mother of three, grandmother of 5.  My husband has been an addict since I met him but I didn't recognize it.  Neither did he.  After multiple years of porn and at least one affair that I know of, I finally hit bottom about 5 years ago.    I have been in talk therapy  and am currently in trauma therapy.  Its helping but I still feel like the triggers are killing me.  Did I mention I had two heart attacks before I hit bottom?  My trauma therapist told me about this site.  My husband is in recovery with an online program of his own and is largely successful, as far as I know.  There was one relapse and it was particularly awful.  It was purposeful.  I'm doing better but just now almost couldn't get through going to the grocery store.  The weather is warm so many women are wearing lighter or little clothes.  I was alone, he wasn't with me,  but it was so painful.  I had to force myself to stay in the store and then couldn't remember the things I went there to get.  I'm really hoping I can start to find a little more peace.
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  3. CharityS added a post in a topic Your cries are heard and I see your pain   

    @aurora22  Im so proud of you for listening to your God given intuition to go to that church! What’s the chances that would be the sermon today!? It was like it was wrote just for you! Our God is an amazing God! Happened this weekend to me at the retreat! @momto3boys  had let me know of the upcoming retreat and that i should go! I was could i go and leave him at home with the kids with so many opportunities to act out!? I have been having so much anxiety lately and eye twitching and throwing up daily...i decided i had to give myself this opportunity! I signed up and received the very last spot they had available for the retreat! I thought this is def a sign from God! I went scared and nervous as all heck, 5 hr drive alone to worry more about it hahaha! I got there, the weekend begun and I WAS SO MEANT TO BE THERE! Went thru Friday and all day Saturday to find out my group leader had also been @momto3boys  in April in Colorado on the other side of the United States!!! What’s the chances! It was such an amazing weekend! I was able to release a lot of pent up emotions! Felt so connected and supported by everyone there! God sure knows what He is doing for us!!! 
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  4. CharityS added a post in a topic Boundaries regarding slips, relapses, etc.   

    i never set one with impure thoughts bc im not certain that he would be honest and tell me anyway in order to save himself the headache. He claims he does not view women like that anymore bc before he thought as long as he was looking and not touching it was ok and claims now to see how wrong it is and how much it can hurt him and our family both. He claims even if we end up splitting down the road, he will not go back to it for that fact! I hope and pray that is the truth! The one boundary i did make was acting out physically in any sense is off the board! Again not sure he himself would tell me anyway, but if i find out im done! May be too harsh, not sure what you all think of this, but just know my mind and body cant go thru it again! It is a choice he is a series of several steps he would have to take to act out...enough steps i believe that he would have plenty of opportunites to stop and choose recovery and our family over an image! If we arent worth that to him, so be it! I am worthy of a clean man! I will no longer accept to be just one of many!! 
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  5. CharityS added a post in a topic Dear God....No, Thank You   

    @kdopp  im out of likes but love your quote! So true! God has something good in store for us with or without our husbands! Keep trusting Him!
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  6. Corinne added a post in a topic Boundaries regarding slips, relapses, etc.   

    Mine is basically that I have a right to know about about slips or relapses within 24 hours of occurance. If I am informed after that period of time, then I will ask my husband to give me space and to sleep in the spare bedroom until I feel safe in our relationship again. The space will allow me time to process through what has happened, grieve, and regain my bearings.
    I am curious to know how everyone else deals with their spouse/SO having lustful or impure thoughts? To me, it’s just as hurtful to hear about those as it is to have him disclose a slip (which I think lustful thoughts are!) or relapse of looking at porn.
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  7. CharityS added a post in a topic Can we watch anything?   

    My husband and i have watched a lot of Tim Nawkins on youtube videos. Otherwise we watch very little tv/movies these days. Have been seriously considering getting rid of satellite bc how little we watch. I for the most part can still watch greys anatomy on my own that i dvr...occasionally there is too much skin and i have to fast fwd. With the kids we watch mostly animated movies unless its a pg one we have watched before that i know is ok. I get triggered easily with tv/movies because that was his main way acting out...”renting” rated R movies at the library for free and watching them in one of his hidden electronics...tablet, laptop or portable dvd player ugh. We do better listening to courses together or youtube safe comedy like tim hawkins, or we play games together or just listen to nontriggering music together. Hoping and praying triggers lessen as we continue to both heal.
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  8. CharityS added a post in a topic Husband Fully in Recovery - so why am I still so angry and heartbroken   

    @JessicaAnthony  I def agree with @momto3boys  im very thankful i went myself and not with a group of women i knew! I think it may make it harder to open up with everything that way! Plus i felt like a bad a** lol taking a 5 hr drive and trip to spend a weekend with a group of unknown women!
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  9. GraceSeeker added a post in a topic Boundaries regarding slips, relapses, etc.   

    Good question.  I’ve been asking my counselor the same thing and he’s been real reluctant to give me ideas, I think because he wants it to come from me.  We finally decided on discussing in a joint counseling session, but we have other things we have to get to first.  It’s frustrating and honestly, I don’t really feel clear enough to be able to know what is a reasonable boundary. Sometimes I feel like my husband wouldn’t listen unless it’s level 10 - the times I’ve told him to sleep downstairs he just hasn’t listened and I end up being the one to leave the room.  The only other thing I see besides that is to separate for a time, and I know there’s a lot in between but I, too, have a hard time knowing what they should be.
    There are some natural consequences we’ve had - like if he acts out with a certain website (harmless to you and me), he loses that website.  He also gets more restrictions on his phone, computer, etc. And we’ve even sold devices so we are pretty much at a minimum.  But that’s about it.  I’m looking forward to seeing what we get from our counseling session and also what other ladies have to say here.
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  10. CharityS added a post in a topic Call to wives who's husbands ARE fully embracing recovery   

    Love this! Playing this with my husband tonight!!! Thank you for sharing!
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  11. Corinne added a topic in Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma   

    Boundaries regarding slips, relapses, etc.
    I’d love to hear some feedback on your boundaries (or rules that you as a couple have established) regarding disclosure of slips, relapses, etc. I realize we are all different and each want different information from our spouses or significant others. I’m needing to adjust my boundaries on some issues to keep me feeling safe.
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  12. CharityS added a post in a topic Husband Fully in Recovery - so why am I still so angry and heartbroken   

    @JessicaAnthony  You really should try to go if you can...they have financial assistance available if you need...she asked me if i could pay even a small portion of it and they covered what i couldnt due to $240/month counseling between my husband and my own counseling as well as both cars due for inspection and needing stuff ugh! It was an intense but wonderful, healing weekend! I became so close and connected to my small group in a matter of a weekend! They dont tell you much about how they work thru then5 wounds in order for you not to think about your responses in that moment. I totally see how you could dwell beforehand and almost create a response if you knew before hand! It saddened me to see so many other women hurting from wounds from family members, spouses, children but at the same time was a wonderful reminder that all of us have issues of some sort to deal with! None of us get out of this unscathed by evil’s work! I slept so peacefully those two nights i was there, no nightmares, no anxiety, my shoulders and chest feel lighter! I wish i could go back for like a month but take my kids with me hahaha! Guess that wouldnt be the same tho! Love and prayers for you!
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  13. sjdenton added a post in a topic Sad Goodbye   

    Your friend will find much relief in Alanon meetings. They are worldwide and don’t cost a thing. I put a buck in the basket when I go to meetings and that is completely voluntary. 
    Addictions absolutely create the same behaviors. The substance doesn’t really matter that much. I heard an alcoholic who had three marriages and numerous affairs speak this weekend at an AA conference. He said alcohol was not his problem. Women were not his problem. They were the solution. His problem was the ISM.... 
    I , Self , Me
    Incredibly Short Memory
    Insidious Spiritual Malady 
    This man was raised by missionary parents in Africa, graduated seminary, worked most his life as a chaplain all while secretly drinking and screwing women, then he found recovery, became a probation officer, and now he pastors a small congregation in Lewisville Texas. 
    NO ONE is immune to addiction and sin and NO ONE is banned from redemption. 
    When I said one year earlier, I meant one year that you have kept the focus on your recovery, not necessarily one year from his explosion. I hope you find the recovery method that makes all your plans crystal clear. My favorite 12 step promise is that we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us    
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  14. aurora22 added a post in a topic Sad Goodbye   

    @sjdenton  Thank you for sharing this. I've decided to give it until my wedding anniversary to let things settle some and perhaps attempt a conversation again. I remember telling myself that I would give it a year once everything blew up and it's been a year this month. 
    I messaged my Husbands pastor yesterday because I feel lead to share with them some of what has been going on in the marriage. I'm very nervous about this as I know many pastors are not well informed and can handle these situations in a terrible way. Since I am states away and not involved in that church, I have less to lose though. I'm asking God to give me grace-filled and Spirit-lead words if they do allow me to speak. 
    I keep thinking of you lately because of my friends just reached out to me and shared that she is in a very abusive marriage due to alchohol. I keep thinking I wish she could talk with you! I would love to pay for her membership to Leslie Vernocks support group, but I don't have any income right now nor does she. It was very eye opening that as she shared what she's been through with her husband, I realized that my Husband acts the SAME EXACT way towards me. Her Husband only acts horrible when drinking (every day). It really put the sexual addiction into a different level in my mind of how destructive it really is. Crazy! 
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  15. aurora22 added a post in a topic Sad Goodbye   

    You might already see me on there. I'd love to connect! I am actually enjoying the Facebook group more than I thought I would since I'm not a huge Facebook fan. My name is Carolyn so when you see me on there, feel free to say hello! 
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  16. CharityS added a topic in Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma   

    Women’s Walk With Christ Retreat
    Oh girls ive missed you! I have a lot of catching up to do i see! I was at the retreat this weekend in Malvern, PA! It was intense and emotional but was so healing and peaceful! They go over five wounds most women have...anger, deceit, shame, sadness, and fear! Again i say it was intense, not sure when i have cried so much! But it was cleansing tears! I pray this peace continues but already the first night was lil rough! My husband got upset when i answered his ? of how did i sleep! I said so peaceful! First night i slept 10-1:30 am and woke up feeling i had slept a full nights sleep! Not one nightmare all weekend it was amazing! Came home last night and had horrible nightmares! Please pray for me! I need to hold onto the peace i got there this weekend! The tension in my shoulders and my back were gone over the weekend! Such a wonderful supportive group of women and staff! They understood my pain, a lot of them had been thru similar situations! If you ever get the chance i would HIGHLY recommend going! This weekend was $285 but they have financial assistance available for those who need it! With counseling being so expensive for both of us, i needed the assistance and they asked what i could pay and provided the rest, which was such a blessing! Will be catching up on your last week’s posts as i can! Love you girls!
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  17. sjdenton added a post in a topic Sad Goodbye   

    All I can offer is what I have learned from my 12 step recovery experience. When I first started meetings for coping with my husbands alcohol addiction, I expected that divorce was imminent unless they could teach me how to make him act right. 
    Instead what they told me was to keep coming back and to not make any major life decisions for one year. Recovery has a way of clearing out the confusion and helping me see all my choices. So I was able to put the whole divorce issue on the back burner while I worked on me. 
    When the betrayal continued after sobriety from alcohol, I once again worked my steps from the betrayal perspective and gave it time before I pulled out the divorce word. Luckily I didn’t have to. 
    However, if you find you do have to, I feel very confident that God believes you have grounds for divorce. He never meant for anyone to stay in a relationship of betrayal and no trust. I get confirmation on this from the folks on the New Life Live daily Christian counseling radio program, who often has Leslie V as a guest. 
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  18. Corinne added a post in a topic Flash backs   

    I’m so sorry! You will find that things totally unrelated to anything will sometimes trigger you as well. Trauma is a crazy thing! But your reaction is totally normal. I went through a period of time where I had to pack away all the jewelry my husband has given to me over the years. Including my wedding rings. I felt they were all guilt gifts because he had bought me so many of them deep in his addiction and his way of making himself feel like a good husband (after constantly betraying me) was to buy me nice things. I can’t even wear my rings now. He vacuumed them up and the diamonds fell out. So I just wear a different ring I bought for myself on my wedding ring finger.
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  19. JENsMom added a post in a topic Sad Goodbye   

    I am not sure how the whole thing works yet, but maybe we'll connect there as well. I'd like that. 
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  20. Isabella80 added a post in a topic Just a bit of venting....   

    I'm sorry about your experience today. I hate it - I still shake my head with disbelief every day this this is my life (for now). We are enough. You are enough. But this sucks the life and strength out of most people - you're not superwoman. You're a very strong woman for staying and pushing through. It would be easy to leave. But I do feel horribly bad for you that you're a beautiful woman and have to cover yourself up, fix yourself up with makeup etc - which I'm sure would look AMAAAZZZZIINNNG but you should also feel enough in your glowing natural state. Hey, what do the guys do to improve themselves? Ha. Big hugs. xxx
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  21. Rheimi added a post in a topic Your cries are heard and I see your pain   

    Wow! What an amazing but difficult experience and growth. 
    Something I heard a while ago that this reminds me of is that God did not cause does this pain nor does he want this pain for us. But He will not waste it. He grieves with us, cries for us, hurts with us, hears us. And He will turn this huge wound into something beautiful. 
    Thank you for sharing @aurora22 . 
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  22. aurora22 added a topic in Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma   

    Your cries are heard and I see your pain
    Today I finally gathered courage to not attend my Father's church and to visit one Ive been interested in with my family's blessing. Its very difficult for me to visit churches alone, especially now when separated/praying about filing. I walked in, sat down, got through one worship song and I started CRYING. I was humiliated and had to run out quickly because I felt sobs coming over me during announcements. I gathered myself, texted a friend, and courageously walked back in. I KNEW God wanted me there all morning and I begged Him to speak to me today. I realized later that the camera had zoomed in on the drummer and my husband has been drumming at churches for decades and he recently had a one sided emotional affair with a lady on the worship team. I was heavily triggered unexpectedly. 
    Then THE SERMON started after worship. What was the sermon topic? Singleness. Singlness in general, singleness after divorce, and singleness after death of a spouse. He talked about how to use the time to grow and mature into the person God want you to be. I started crying again....This is the first time in my life that I have sat through an entire service trying not to let myself cry uncontrollably. I was alone, embarrassed, and yet I powered through my tears and sniffles knowing that God wanted me there. The sermon was excellent. The Pastor even spoke on pornography from the pulpit for quite some time- including talking about sexual addiction (which my husband is in). I knew God was speaking to me. I recently remember telling some friends that I wish I could find a church that would speak about porn from the pulpit.... Yep. Oh man. I think everyone who sat near me must have felt so awkward with my constant tears, my shaking, and me holding back noises the best I could. 
    Well, this was a lot to process through when I got home. I cried a lot and prayed. Then I fell into a deep sleep which is extremely rare for me. I can't take naps even when I haven't slept well for weeks. During my nap, I dreamt that I first had to tell a man who was interested in me that I was married and he was not happy (this part is just weird and doesn't make sense to me). The next part was powerful to me. I dreamt that a friend of my Husbands and I came to me and apologized for how he's responded to me. In real life, he responded horribly to me in regards to my Husband so I have had to block him. In my dream, he came to me apologizing and expressing that the Lord revealed to him the true nature of my Husband. He also told me, "The Lord wants me to say to you, 'I hear your cries and I see your pain." Then I woke up.
    Through all of this, I know I am where I am meant to be even though it hurts. There is a big part of me that would love to fight God on this entire process because this isn't the desire of my heart. My desire is truth, healing, and reconciliation in my marriage, but my Husband is making it next to impossible and his heart is the hardest I have ever seen. I trust You Lord, even though it hurts and it doesn't make sense. Satan is working hard to keep me from connecting, sharing, and growing, but the Lord is my protector and He holds my heart. The battle is already won.
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  23. J added a topic in Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma   

    Just a bit of venting....
    So this morning my husband was using my laptop to download a song for our daughter. He came running upstairs really quickly saying "there was P there was P". Apparently a video popped up on the screen. He was really upset and I was really upset- he has been P free for almost a year. And then it hit me that this is my life. If I wasn't married to a porn adduct it wouldn't have been a big deal. But I am married to a man who is addicted to women, so I feel like I will never be able to relax. No swimming. No movies. No freedom. 
    I hate him seeing me without makeup. Once he commented how grateful he was that I wore it Call me crazy, but I want a man who thinks I am beautiful without it! My husband hasn't seen me naked in 4 YEARS. I have been working out a lot and love my body. But I just can't share it with him. And I am a really sexual person-anything I would like to try or experience or experiment with him he has already enjoyed with countless airbrushed others. It feels like a cage that I am stuck in and I keep getting older every day. I keep wondering if there is someone out there that could value me. That doesn't have this horrid addiction.
    I think that many of you can relate. This sucks. 
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  24. Rheimi added a post in a topic Flash backs   

    It is a normal response to this. It does get better with therapy and recovery. It's so hard to deal with in the moment. Self care is very important. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to heal, if possible open up your schedule a bit so you have some time for this. I am a college student and dropped 2 classes after d-day and still struggle to keep up with 1 class. It's frustrating but is necessary for my own health and healing. 
    Have you watched Healing Trauma from Sexual Betrayal? I highly recommend it! Dr. Skinner goes through the normal responses and gives some tips for dealing with it. It's a great course. 
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  25. redhead added a topic in Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma   

    Flash backs
    How do I handle the flash back of the betrayal,  lies  and hurt.  Seems I  go back to the things I  discovered over the last 30 plus years. I  don't mean to but things in my everyday life seems to trigger the pain.  Like today I'm  putting on the 30th wedding anniversary ring that my husband  had made for me. I  looked at it and it made me feel sick . All I  could think of was his secret life of pornography and how he was deep into his addiction when he was having this made to celebrate our anniversary. Is this typical reaction to the trauma?  How do I work thur this? WI'll it be forever in my thoughts. 
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